We’ve all been down that road of nerve-wracking anticipation that comes with having difficult conversations with loved ones. In the latest episode of Self Love and Sweat THE PODCAST, we shed light on how to deal with these situations.
Timestamps to help you navigate this episode:
0:20 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
6:13 Self-Reflection: Addressing Personal Triggers
8:19 Sponsor: Snap Supplements 25% OFF using code LUNDEN25
15:08 Aligning with Core Values in Tough Conversations
16:56 Embracing Do-Overs in Communication
Overcoming Communication Barriers
A pivotal point in this episode is the profound impact of love on the conversation. This simple yet powerful reminder can potentially transform the entire tone and outcome of the conversation. By consciously maintaining a loving mindset, we’re preventing it from escalating into a heated argument and fostering an environment of open and understanding exchange.
Pen to Paper: Essential Skills for Conflict Resolution in Personal Relationships
Beyond the spoken word, putting pen to paper emerges as a potent tool for navigating emotional waters. It offers a pre-dialogue space to crystallize thoughts, emotions, and expectations. This not only enhances the efficacy of communication but serves as a barrier against potential misunderstandings.
Fostering Healthy and Lasting Relationships
All in all, in this episode, we underscore the importance of staying true to core values during challenging discussions. These values act as a compass, guiding individuals through tough conversations and helping maintain integrity. The goal is not to convince the other person but to connect with them, emphasizing the value of understanding differences while preserving the relationship.
Full Transcript Episode 151
Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the Podcast, the place where you’ll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections, break down barriers and do what sets your soul on fire. I’m your host Lunden Souza. Hey, have you grabbed your free Self Love and Sweat monthly calendar yet? This calendar is so amazing. It comes right in your inbox every single month to help you have a little nugget of wisdom, a sweaty workout, a mindset activity, just a little something, something to help keep you focused and motivated and keep that momentum towards your goals. So every day, when you get this calendar, you’ll see a link that you can click that will lead to a podcast episode or a workout or something that will be very powerful and quick to read. And then you’ll also see, on the top left corner of every single day, there’s a little checkbox in the calendar, and what that is is that’s for your one thing. You can choose one thing every month, or it can be the same, something that you want to implement and make this something that you can easily implement, like daily meditation or getting a certain amount of steps or water, for example, and staying hydrated and even taking your supplements. This can be something if you want to get more regular doing a particular habit and routine. You can choose what that checkbox means. So if you want your Self Love and Sweat free monthly calendar delivered right to your inbox every month on the first of the month, go to lifelikelunden.com/calendar. Fill out the form really quickly and you will have your calendar in your inbox within a few short minutes. That’s lifelikelunden L-I-F-E-L-I-K-E-L-U-N-D-E-N dot com forward slash calendar. Go, get yours for free and enjoy this episode. Welcome back to the podcast. Today we’re talking about tips for tough conversations with loved ones, and I have seven tips written here on my notes. I did a short video on Instagram about this topic and then I added a little bit more to this list, because I think that’s really the question I get a lot from my clients and people that I work with is, you know, okay, as I’m changing, as I’m growing physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, healing, evolving, learning, growing all the things and I’m learning how to express that and express the change and who I am, how do I have this kind of tough dialogue with people in a way that makes like the person I’m becoming proud but can also potentially preserve the relationship, especially if you want to right when we change and grow. Not everybody comes into that next chapter with you, you can expect loss in terms of like friendships, sometimes relationships and things like that. That’s part of like the shedding process. But these tips are specifically for people that we love, people we want to communicate with, for connection, people that we want to preserve those relationships with. And these are some tips that just yeah, have really worked for myself, for my clients and I like to go for walks, like brainstorming walks, and so some of these extra ones I added to my notes when I was like on one of those walks. Okay so, tips for tough conversations with loved ones. Number one remember you love them. Get yourself in a loving state, whether that means going for a walk, doing some meditation, some heart opening meditation, some breath work, some maybe visualization of a moment when you are with that person and having just such a really good time, something that really reminds you, hey, I love that person, I don’t want to hurt them. Let me get myself into a loving, open-hearted state. There’s a podcast or a meditation that I love that’s available on YouTube. It’s from Dr. Joe Dispenza. It’s called Go Love 20. And it’s like a 15, 20 minute meditation. That’s all about just loving this person, picking a person and just sending them lots of love. So I’ll post that in the show notes, the link to that YouTube video, in case you think that will be a helpful resource, because for me it’s a really helpful resource. So, number one get into that loving state before you have the conversation and even like, as you know, that conversation might be approaching and you know you’re going to be in the situation to then have the conversation, maybe in the days, weeks leading up to it. Check your heart posture right, get your heart right, make sure that you remember that you love them and you get yourself into that state before having that conversation and, if you can, even leading up to that conversation. Number two Make sure you’re not projecting onto them stuff that you’re actually bothered about within yourself. Let me say that again Make sure you’re not projecting onto them stuff that you’re actually bothered about yourself. So oftentimes we can get frustrated with other people when they do things that actually, if we were really to look within and get really real with ourselves, it’s stuff that we don’t like about ourselves or things that we judge ourselves on or things that we kind of put ourselves down for. So check your heart posture, get in that loving state and be like, okay, am I annoyed with that behavior? But can I see that in me? Do I need a mirror moment where it’s like I need to look at myself in the mirror and be like, yeah, what I was about to call them out for and have a conversation with them about, it’s actually more about me and even though you know it’s a quick tip in this episode is going to be quick. That uncovering process and that ownership process, that Taylor Swift moment I always talk about, it’s me. Hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. It’s not always easy, so not here to call anybody out, as much as calling you in to think like, okay, is this something that I’m getting frustrated about, that I actually need to clean up in my life? Okay, that’s number two, just like check yourself a little bit. So number one was like check your heart, get your heart in check. And number two, check yourself. Number three practice, practice the tough conversation ahead of time, whether that’s I like to put on my headphones and then go outside and go for a walk, and that way people that are walking around me probably think I’m like on the phone or having a conversation with actually a person, but really I’m probably not most of the time. I’m actually like talking to myself and practicing what I want to say and how I want it to come out. So remember having a challenging conversation with a close friend and I practiced a lot. I practiced for myself a lot, like just walking and getting out the words. I practiced also because when you practice saying it and like standing up and embodying kind of yeah, like that physical embodiment of the conversation, getting it out with words, a lot of those feelings will start to come up too, whether that’s, you know, if you’re a little bit nervous or afraid of you know their reaction or what they might think. Or like some of those limiting beliefs of like if I tell them really how I feel, then they’re not gonna love me, like whatever. Those kinesthetic feelings come up when we practice and it’s kind of like getting ready for game day, right, like you practice so that when you go out and it’s game day, like you’re used to a lot of the nerves, your words come out a little bit better, your body language is more open and just nourishing to the conversation Now, choose that word nourishing to the conversation. You’ve practiced, you’ve rehearsed right, and sometimes it’s cool for yourself. And then it’s sometimes it’s nice to share it with somebody that you love, like a friend or your partner or a family member or someone where you’re like, hey, this happened. And here’s what I wanna say. What do you think? Right? Get a little bit of feedback on that. So that’s number three practice. Hey, really quick. I wanna interrupt the podcast for just a minute to tell you about one of my favorite supplements for hair, skin, nails, digestive and gut health, and that is Snap Supplements Super Greens with Collagen. Now, if you’re following me on social media, you’ve probably seen me post about this a bunch because, honestly, this product tastes amazing and it’s jam packed with nutrients, like I said, to support healthy hair, skin and nails. It helps support detoxification, a healthy immune system and there’s even probiotics in there for a healthy gut. 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But you, because you’re a podcast listener, you’re gonna get 25% off when you use the LUNDEN25 at checkout L-U-N-D-E-N. 25 at checkout to get your Snap Supplements Super Greens and Collagen and all your Snap Supplements for 25% off. Now let’s get back to the show Number four tips for tough conversations with loved ones. Write it out and also maybe share that with a friend that you trust that can give you some feedback. So I really find that having tough conversations written out first can be so helpful. I have written, you know, seven to 13 page letters to people, typed out, just getting out all the things, all the hurt, all the feels, only to have a very clear, beautiful and concise you know, hour long conversation with that person because I had really practiced and processed it and got it all out. I think people really underestimate the power of writing, especially writing pen to paper. But even typing out it’s a very good release. I remember recently wanting to communicate something important to a friend and so I typed out what I wanted to say and then I actually sent it to my best friend, Ali, and I was like, hey, what do you think? And she was like Okay, that’s good, like good, good, right, and she’s like that’s for you, like that’s yours for your healing journey. Now let’s take out like three fourths of it and you can send that as a text. So that felt really good to write it out, to get it out to a close friend and share that with her. But then she was also able to give me feedback of like and, in my opinion, very good feedback. I love my friend Shout out to my best friend Ali. She was like that’s for you. Now let’s shorten it down, let’s condense it and, like you know, all those details are not necessary, but they were necessary for me to admit and to get out and to process and to put on paper, because it’s kind of like when a kid thinks that there’s a monster you know in the closet and you turn on the lights and you open up the closet and you’re like there’s nothing there. It’s like being able to get it out and put words to how you’re feeling and whatever it makes those monsters not as scary. And yeah, I just think writing has helped so much. And you know what sometimes tough conversations is, like a side note. Sometimes tough conversations don’t get to happen because maybe that person’s no longer alive, no longer in your life, whatever. What’s been really helpful for me is writing letters to myself from that person saying what I would want to hear, and I know that might sound bizarre and delusional, but it is so helpful to tell yourself. Give it to yourself first. And something is very cool about writing Dear Lunden and signing it from the person that I kind of maybe was holding on Like I wish they would say that it’s like no girl, just tell yourself and pretend like it’s from them and sign it. That way it’s been very helpful. A writing is such a powerful tool that I love for my life and I love for the lives of my clients. Okay, number five remember your core values and be sure that you’re being who you say you want to be in this conversation, especially when it feels hard and it feels unfamiliar. Because if you’re not used to communicating this way and being this way, it might feel very unfamiliar. If you’re used to having every conversation be a confrontation and needs to be a blowout, it might be a little bit unfamiliar to be like, okay, what is like calmness, honesty, serenity, do in this conversation while still making connection and still like making a point or still making sure that that person understands why that conversation needed to be had, even when it’s really tough. And so core values is one of the things I do almost immediately with my one-on-one clients, because it’s important to know your rules to your game so you can win. Who do you want to be, who are you becoming, how do you know when you’re being that, how do you know when you’re not being that and how do you know when it’s time to set a boundary surrounding your core values? I also talk about this in my course. There’s a whole module on it. My course, online course level up your language, level up your life, how to go from talker to communicator. I do a whole module on core values and I even say in that course, and I’ll say it here too if I was going to coach on one thing for the rest of my life, it would be core values and teaching people how to choose who they want to be and actually build integrity and build in those reps to actually be who they say they want to be. So make sure, as you’re preparing for this tough conversation, you ask yourself how would honesty show up in this situation? If honesty happens to be one of your core values, how would integrity show up in this conversation? And look at your core values If they’re written down, I highly suggest that you have them written down in a place that you can easily access but double check, like re-consult, who you said you wanted to be and those core values. So, as you’re preparing for that conversation, you stay in integrity with those values. Number 6. It’s not about convincing, it’s about connecting. I say this a lot. It’s not about convincing. It’s really about that connection that we get within conversation. You don’t have to prove your point, you don’t have to be right. And also, I remember in a particular conversation I had with a close friend and I was sharing a lot of what was on my heart and it was hard because, yeah, it was just really clear and setting boundaries and, just like you know, it was just very, yeah, very challenging, to say the least, and very, yeah, raw and profound and powerful. Right, these conversations are super, super real. And I remember saying to her because this is a totally valid point, right, I’m not trying to convince her I remember saying like you don’t have to agree with me, like you can tell me I’m wrong. You know, I’ve done a lot in my past too that maybe you want to point out. Like you can tell me, like no, Lunden, whatevs peace out. Right, it doesn’t. I don’t. I have to get right with the fact that a person can say no, if I make a request in this particular conversation, they can be like whatever Lunden, like fuck you by. Like no way, that’s not who I am, you’ve got it all wrong, right. So being able to remember hey, in this conversation, it’s not about my desired outcome. Yes, get real with your desired outcome, which is, hopefully you know, to be connect, more connected with somebody that you love. But you can’t be attached to the person saying like yes, no or okay, you’re right, in order for that conversation to, let’s say, be successful. So being able to say like hey, and feel free to like push back if you want, feel free to say I’m wrong and you disagree. I get that, but this is really from my heart and I love you and I want to be your friend, you know. So that’s number six. Number seven try again. Just yourself off and try again. Try again, seriously, try again, especially when you have mutual respect and love for one another. Embrace that do-over, okay, if it’s somebody that you’re close with, if it’s your partner, if it’s someone in your family, your coworker, a close friend, and you’re like no, this relationship matters. And like shit, I didn’t do a good job, try again. Right? People still reserve the right to set boundaries surrounding your do-overs, right? Like if, in their model of the world, you’ve tried and failed to communicate them within a way that’s not cool. They can set up a boundary and I think that friends that are really, really close and relationships that are really close that believe in who you are and who you’re becoming, allowing those do-overs on both sides, right. There’s some times where I notice I’m like no, not gonna allow the do-over, but it’s like no, it’s important to allow the person to be like that’s not what I meant. Here’s actually what I meant, and thank you for allowing me to try again and to do-over. I can think of many do-overs with my family members my mom and my dad so grateful that, in this process of relearning how to communicate with them in a new way, they’ve allowed me a ton of do-overs and I think it’s really beautiful to try again. So those are the seven tips for having tough conversations with people that you love. Remember that you love them. Check your heart. Make sure you’re not projecting onto them stuff that you’re actually bothered about within yourself. That’s number two. So check your heart, check yourself. Number three practice. Number four write it out. Number five remember your core values. Number six remember it’s not about convincing, it’s about connecting. And number seven try again, come back to the arena to have those tough conversations it’s not gonna be perfect every single time and embrace the do-over. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of self-love and sweat the podcast. Hey, do me a favor wherever you’re listening to this podcast, give us a review. This really helps a lot and share this with a friend. I’m only one person and with your help, we can really spread the message of self-love and sweat and change more lives all around the world. Lunden Souza, reminding you that you deserve a life full of passion, presence and purpose, fueled by self-love and sweat. This podcast is about self-love and sweat. It’s about self-love and sweat. This podcast is a hit spot. Austria production.