Rewriting Self-Perception: Unlocking Personal Growth and Deeper Relationships with Juliet Karaman

Self-perception and confidence are two of the most challenging things we could ever work on. These aspects of our inner world often dictate the course of our lives, impacting our relationships, personal growth, and overall well-being. My guest on one of the recent episodes of Self Love and Sweat: The Podcast, Juliette Karaman, sheds light on personal growth, embracing vulnerability, and loving yourself more.

Timestamps to help you navigate this episode:
(0:00)    Intro
(0:20)    FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
(4:23)   The Most Intimate Relationship: Self-Love
(10:09Sponsor: Snap Supplements 25% OFF using code LUNDEN25
(17:28) Mirror Exercise: A Path to Self-Acceptance
(26:06) Navigating Intimate Relationships
(34:27) Building Scrutinous Communication
(41:41Sponsor: Evolve Telemed 25% OFF Using code: LUNDEN25
(47:29) The Fear of Breaking Away from the Tribe

 

Reconnecting with Self through Body Check Exercises

During our discussion, Juliette unveiled her transformative journey of assisting thousands of women over the years. Central to her philosophy is the significance of self-care as a foundational element in cultivating self-love. She introduced a simple yet profound practice: body check exercises. This exercise not only fosters a profound reconnection with one’s body but also has the potential to revolutionize daily life.

Unmasking the Truth about Body Image

Our conversation delved deep into the often-stigmatized issue of body image, a concern heavily influenced by societal beauty standards and the ubiquity of filtered images on social media platforms. Karaman offered powerful insights into reclaiming our self-worth and body acceptance without relying on external validation.

 

Cultivating Intimacy and Building Supportive Relationships

Juliette also underscored the vital role of nurturing understanding and supportive relationships. Through her expert lens, she illuminated the importance of conscious communication in fostering deep, intimate connections. Juliette values the idea of regular check-ins with our partners, a practice designed to enhance mutual understanding and preserve the pillars of healthy communication. These weekly rendezvous offer a platform for recognizing triggers and responding to them with grace and empathy.

Furthermore, we emphasized the significance of curating a supportive tribe that fuels personal growth. Juliette provided actionable advice on how to foster relationships with like-minded individuals who appreciate and bolster our journey towards self-improvement. Practices such as meditation, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), and mindfulness were explored as tools to navigate the fear of disconnection that may arise when venturing into the realms of self-development.

The keys to unlocking this transformative journey are self-care, body acceptance, conscious communication, and the cultivation of a supportive tribe. Together, they empower us to rewrite our self-perception and embark on a path toward a life enriched with self-love, body acceptance, and meaningful relationships.

Also available on YouTube: 

Full Transcript: Episode 144

Lunden Souza: 

Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the Podcast, the place where you’ll get inspired to live your life unapologetically, embrace your perfect imperfections, break down barriers and do what sets your soul on fire. I’m your host, Lunden Souza. Hey, have you grabbed your free Self Love and Sweat monthly calendar yet? This calendar is so amazing. It comes right in your inbox every single month to help you have a little nugget of wisdom, a sweaty workout, a mindset activity, just a little something-something to help keep you focused and motivated and keep that momentum towards your goals. So every day when you get this calendar, you’ll see a link that you can click that will lead to a podcast episode or a workout or something that will be very powerful and quick to read. And then you’ll also see, on the top left corner of every single day, there’s a little checkbox in the calendar and what that is is that’s for your one thing. You can choose one thing every month, or it can be the same, something that you want to implement and make this something that you can easily implement, like daily meditation or getting a certain amount of steps or water, for example, and staying hydrated and even taking your supplements. This can be something if you want to get more regular doing a particular habit and routine. You can choose what that checkbox means. So if you want your self-love and sweat free monthly calendar delivered right to your inbox every month on the first of the month, lifelikelunden.com/calendar to, fill out the form really quickly and you will have your calendar in your inbox within a few short minutes. That’s lifelikelunden L-I-F-E-L-I-K-E-L-U-N-D-E-N dot com forward slash calendar. Go get yours for free and enjoy this episode. Welcome back to Self Love and Sweat: The Podcast. Today’s guest is Juliette Karaman, and she is a certified mind and body coach and expert on relationships, sensuality, healing trauma and body shame. She specializes in the reinvention of the most intimate relationship in life, the one you have with yourself. With courses, coaching, VIP experiences and retreats, Juliette has guided and mentored thousands of women over the past decade and a half, rewriting the relationship with self confidence and their body’s, mind and spirit, using her unique rapid release, rewire and restore method. Her mission is to create a world where every woman remembers the truth of who they are and where scrumptiousness, pleasure, ease, spirituality and sensuality are prioritized. She’s a mother to four children that are in their early 20s, who she loves fiercely. Welcome to the podcast, Juliette. So great to have you.

Juliette Karaman: 

Thank you for having me my gosh. That’s quite a mouthful, isn’t it?

Lunden Souza: 

Yeah, I love it. I love reading the bios because, yeah, they’re always just like a little tidbit of my guests and I get excited because I know there’s so much more than just the bio. And when I was reading all those Rs. The rapid release, rewire, restore I was like amen, it’s super cool. So tell us a little bit more about you and your life and what you’re doing.

Juliette Karaman: 

Well, as you kind of read, I am a coach, I’m a mentor, I’m kind of like a teacher on all these things and it just you know I’m turning 55 this weekend and I’m just like 55 years of having experience and not just a little bit, you know. I mean when I go in I go deep and I’ve had my sister and my parents all die, so I help them die, I help them come over. I’ve been helping lots of women with trauma. Lots of couples actually just get back into that scrumptiousness, back into that that yeah sensation, full pleasure of life. And pleasure doesn’t have to be sexual, but it could just be what brings you joy. What are the little tip bits of like? Ooh, I love the way that the sun is shining on my face today and it really lights me up.

Lunden Souza: 

Yes, I love that. Having those intimate moments in our everyday, present experiences. In fact, this morning we went for a walk and the sun was kind of coming up and I was like, oh, that’s perfect moment for sun gazing. And I just sat there and I took a deep breath and I just had a moment for love for myself, for the sun, in a way that my former self would have been going busy so fast, never even noticed that the sun was there, just like ready to go, and those little intimate pockets have been so powerful in my life. So I love what you said about how the most intimate relationship in life is with ourselves, and I know there’s a lot of self care and self love in that space. So how do we practice this without feeling selfish, so that way we can actually be confident and thrive in life? I think a lot of people will say self care is selfish right here, from a lot of moms too, like I can’t do that, I’m busy, I’m a mom, I have to focus on this. So how can we do it in a way that just fits right in our puzzle, no matter what that looks like?

Juliette Karaman: 

I love this. I mean, I was. I am a mom of four and I had four kids and none of the three years time. So you can imagine what my life was like for a while, and it was always like, oh, I don’t have time for that. But what I tell my clients and myself I even have this on my phone myself I tell them to put a timer on for 90 seconds twice or three times a day. Anyone in the world has four and a half minutes. You know. If you count them all together, that’s four and a half minutes. You can’t tell me in a 24 hour day that you don’t have four and a half minutes. And really to do a body check. So just to close your eyes, take a breath in notice where your breath falls, notice is there an image that comes up, is there a thought that is coming up? And then go ahead and think that thought. What’s happening in your body? Is it movement, is it static? Is there a weight, is there a color? And then what’s their motion? And then, once you go through this, do another round of that. It’s like, oh, okay, so now I feel what has changed just by checking in with myself is like my mind a little bit more quiet, do I look? at things or don’t get triggered so much.

Lunden Souza: 

And I love that little 90 second check in for those of you listening. While Juliette was talking I had my eyes closed and I was doing that. So you said what image do you see? That was like what you said, right, what pictures are coming to mind? And then checking in with your body like is it moving? And what was the third one that you mentioned?

Juliette Karaman: 

So all experiences can really be brought back to four elements. Image, thought, body, sensation and emotion.

Lunden Souza: 

Cool. Image, thought, body sensation and emotion. So I think anybody listening sometimes it’s like well, what does a check in with myself look like, you know? So I think maybe we have those 90 second moments when we set that alarm. You know, on the alarm you can change what it says. It doesn’t have to say alarm. So we could say maybe those four words or just kind of that reminder to check in, because I think it’s nice to then know what to do, kind of specifically when you close your eyes, especially if people are new to that kind of visualization or self check in process. So I love that. That’s super wonderful. And word, your kids. I imagine you did it with them when they were young. Is it something that they still utilize today? Do they tell you?

Juliette Karaman: 

I started this when they were a little bit later. So, my girl, I’ve got twin daughters of 22, so they definitely do this. The boys here took a little bit of like. I mean not sure you know, and I was also in conscious sexuality. He used to walk around with like the pussy nose T-shirt on. They’re like no, mommy, you crazy. So the funny thing is now that they’ve actually seen, after a decade and a bit of this, it’s like how it helps others and how it’s actually rubbed off on them. They’re like oh, so we don’t have to be in our mind the whole time. I was like okay, okay, so what’s the emotion, what’s the thought? And they’re like okay, I’ve got this and this going on, but I don’t have time for this. I’m like, okay, just give me one minute of your time. And then they’re like okay, you’re right, mommy, okay. And actually I’ve used hypnosis with one of my daughters who’s completely become sober and five months completely sober, stopped everything and is feeling super happy.

Lunden Souza: 

I love that. It’s cool to see the rub off moments in kids. I don’t I’m not a mom, but my niece is four, going to be five this summer, and it’s just so cool in our, in our attempts to plant those seeds and not tell someone what to do, but kind of show them. And then when you have those moments where you’re like, oh, they kind of figured that out for themselves and this is what it looks like for them, or they’re kind of in, kind of out I know your kids are much older, she’s younger, but it’s just a really cool moment, I think, to see those rub off moments in the way that they kind of make it uniquely their own, I always find that really inspiring. I want to talk about body shape.

Juliette Karaman: 

One thing to have made there that we always say. I used to always ask them. It’s like hey, what was the best thing that happened today, what’s one thing that you’re grateful for? And they’re like no, what was good about your day? And I’m like, okay, this and this and that. So what quality do you love about yourself? And then after a while, they’re like, okay, we’re back at this, and now actually they’re really easy to point out to others and they’ll do this at dinner with their friends. They’re like hey, what’s one quality that you love, what was best about today? And they’ve kind of like mixed it in in a way that it just works so well. I was looking at them the other day.

Lunden Souza: 

I’m like, oh, yeah, I love that, the little things, and my question really was like, what are some specific things we can do? And I feel like those are really simple. You know, I know you’re a mom I’m not but I don’t think that four and a half minutes or those little micro moments are making you feel selfish, right, because I think maybe those hour workouts or whatever those long duration of times can be something to work up to. But that quick, less than five minutes to check in, I feel like that’s such a tactable takeaway. So, thank you. I want to talk about body shame and intimacy. I know those are very like, yeah, chunked up topics, but I had and I don’t know if this is the same, but this is kind of my work in body shame, if you will I used to have really, really bad cystic acne over my whole entire face and when I tried to do things traditionally, yeah, it wasn’t working. And when I started to uncover the work of Louise Hay and like some of the underlying root issues for some of the physical things that we see, there’s a lot of body shame and self hate and things that come up when you’re doing that research in acne and stuff like that, and I remember it was really hard, for that was a hard pill for me to swallow because I was like, wait, what? Like I don’t, there’s not hate. Like you know, there’s a lot of things and slowly but surely, as we pull back the layers, we can start to understand a lot of those roots and start to love them into life a little bit more. And so, when it comes to body shame and intimacy, you know I remember too, like I had such bad acne I wouldn’t even go out in public, right, like I would not hang out with my friends, let alone dating. And I remember then I was started dating this one guy and I had it was like kind of the tail end of the acne and I was super nervous to like have my makeup off or like then you’re like sleeping in the same bed and you wake up in the morning like a lot of these things very hindered that intimate connection because I was so nervous and worried about my skin and all these other things. So let’s talk about that a little bit body shame, what that can look like, what that can, what issues it can present in intimate relationships, and then, like you know, some hope to help. Hey, really quick, I want to interrupt the podcast for just a minute to tell you about one of my favorite supplements for hair, skin, nails, digestive and gut health, and that is SNAP Supplements Super Greens with Collagen. Now, if you’re following me on social media, you’ve probably seen me post about this a bunch because, honestly, this product tastes amazing and it’s jam packed with nutrients, like I said, to support healthy hair, skin and nails. It helps support detoxification, a healthy immune system, and there’s even probiotics in there for a healthy gut. It’s non GMO, no sugar added, soy free, grass fed collagen, and every scoop is going to give you seven grams of protein, and this is why I love it, because it’s not like a protein shake. It’s just a scoop of powder. It tastes amazing. I put it in water or, if I want more hydration, I’ll put it in coconut water and mix it up, and it’s like having a nice refreshing beverage that’s packed with a bunch of super greens and protein. So what I’m super excited about is that for listening to the podcast, you’ll get this discount here. Nowhere else but for listening to the podcast, you can save 25% off on all SNAP Supplement purchases, including the Super Greens with Collagen, and you do that by using code LUNEN25 at checkout that’s L- U- N- D- E- N 25. L- U- N- D-E- N two five to get 25% off at checkout. You can shop on snapsupplements. com or you can shop on my website, lifelikelunden.com/supplements and you’ll see there there’s already an additional 10% taken off. But you, because you’re a podcast listener, you’re going to get 25% off when you use the code LUNDEN 25 at checkout L- U- N- D- E- N 25 at checkout to get your SNAP Supplements, Super Greens and Collagen and all your SNAP Supplements for 25% off. Now let’s get back to the show.

Juliette Karaman: 

Completely and body shape. You can have the most perfect body and still have body shape right, or you can quite large or tiny and be really confident and not have any body shame. And when people look at you and they’re like yo, but you’ve got saggy skin and wrinkles and this and that like yeah, and doesn’t define who I am. So, but so often it starts really early by parents, brothers, sisters, siblings, someone in your surrounding, having looked at you in a certain way or having said something, or even their body language. When you come in, you notice it and you’re like, ah, something is off here, it’s something that I’ve done or it’s the way that I look. So we then take it upon ourselves and we start criticizing ourselves and honestly, these days, with the whole internet and the filters and everyone looks absolutely wonderful and makeup galore, etc. And you’re like, really, do you look like that when you get out of bed? It’s just, you know, we don’t really have good role models of women that look good, look their age and just really let it all, you know, let it all out. So what happens is that these layers and layers and layers and layers kind of like they really dig in, they, they anchor into our body and that’s what creates the disease, right? So, slowly, but slowly but surely, we start not liking ourselves, not looking at it so much, avoiding mirrors or, you know, over shopping or putting on you know, lots of makeup, like you said. You know not wanting to wake up next to your boyfriend or next to the person that you’re dating without makeup. How many stories have I heard of people actually going to the bathroom right before them and making sure that they have the makeup on? But it’s, it looks natural. But all of this is like are you actually accepting yourself for who you are? And that is a really difficult thing. It’s like what do I love about myself that doesn’t have anything to do with my looks and doesn’t have anything to do with my body, my looks but what are the qualities that I admire about myself? You know what and start making a list. So what are you very giving? Are you very loving? Do you care for others? But oftentimes this is also like you tend to love others more than you love yourself, right? So what’s one thing that you can do today to love yourself more? And it doesn’t need to be self care. You don’t? You know self care gets such a bad rep because it’s like, oh, we do manicures and pedicures and baths and that’s all cool, but self care could also mean saying no to someone. It’s like no, I don’t want to go out to dinner. It’s like you want. Someone asked you hey, can you pick up my kids? No, and the more that you say no to others, you actually start saying yes to yourself. And no is so much of a full sentence, right, where before I was like no, but because of this and this and that, and now it’s just like no, do you?

Lunden Souza: 

want to. Yeah, it’s a complete sentence. I think I did a podcast episode on that very, very early on. Like no is a complete sentence. Do I like to have good, conscious communication to add to the no, when I’m talking to my close friends, like no, because I’m working on this and this member I told you, like you know, to get that deeper connection, yes, but I think oftentimes we think we owe an explanation to the neighborhood cat. You know, it’s like everybody. And when we can learn that no is a complete sentence. One thing that you said I don’t know specifically, but just kind of surrounding, like giving that to ourselves and feeling that love, that kindness, asking ourselves what are the things that without this body and this physicality, that really kind of stay and live on. And you know, just yeah, that I exude. And one thing I know is that oftentimes we outsource that to relationships. It’s like, oh, I mean, I need love, so I’m going to go over here. I want someone to be kind, so I’m going to go find someone. That’s kindness. And what I’ve learned yeah, the hard, beautiful way is that we have to give it to ourselves first, before we’re in those intimate relationships, because then that’s when the mirrors get held up and if we haven’t done that work or at least held that mirror up gracefully and responsibly to ourselves, it’s so triggering when we’re in relationships and that’s already going to happen, right, they’re already going to bring ways that you know we kind of have to dance and kind of maneuver to do that. But I think you know, to outsource that to people in our relationships can be so detrimental. And so that’s why I always say, like I started in fitness, the workouts, workouts, whatever but I’m like no, actually the work ins, you know you can’t fix the inside by working on the outside all the time. Does it help? Does it give you a little extra umph? Totally, but that really, you know, yeah, that speaks to me because, yeah, I just think I love that. Yeah, well, I think I hear a lot of my friends to talk about how they’re not getting X, Y or Z from their partner, and you know, I try to say it nicely. There’s different friendships where we’ve opened that door, where I’m just like, hey, if you’re not it, you’re not going to see it somewhere else. We have to be at first. So if someone’s struggling with body image, how can we work through being that support for ourselves? So then when we are in intimate relationships, it can be, yeah, more like authentic and feel good, you know, cause it’s a big leap. But I kind of want to paint that picture a little bit.

Juliette Karaman: 

Completely. I mean, I go through I go into this more in my course scrumptious bodies, and actually I get people to do the mirror exercise. So so often we say we have to only do affirmations. Well, I don’t believe that I can’t. You can’t only affirm your way through, but you actually have to feel both sides right. I mean, feel all the emotions, feeling this is what our body came on this earth for, right. We’re souls having this human experience. But the one magic power that we have is we can feel. We can feel body sensations, we can feel emotions, and when we don’t feel either of those, that’s when we kind of want to get too stuck right Because we don’t want to feel the bad things, but then we also don’t feel the good things. So one of the things that I get my clients to do is to do a body, to do a mirror exercise, to dress down or undress as much as they want, as much as feels comfortable, and then set a timer for three minutes, start three minutes only and just let it rip. Everything that you do not like about your body you say out loud to yourself, you can close the door that no one else hears it, but these are all the things that we usually just think. But then when you say it out loud, it has such power. And the next bit is where we write a letter to ourselves, a love letter, and we actually start looking at every single part of ourselves and we’re like, whoa, these legs have carried me for, for me, almost 55 years, like this belly yes, stretch marks, everything, but you know, it’s brought me for children healthy and you just go through this and I have people sobbing on the floor after this. But it’s so beautiful because you start to connect back to this vessel by any how one vessel.

Lunden Souza: 

Yes, I’ve not done it out loud in the mirror, but I’ve written down a lot of the things that I think about myself, whether it’s my body and it’s like. Then you go back and read it and it’s different when it’s dancing in your head. We can let it dance in our head all day long, but when we say it out loud or write it down, I was like, oh my gosh, like I wanted. You know, when, like someone says something messed up to your best friend and you’re like I wanna fight that person, like what the heck? You know, don’t say that to my friend. It was like that with me. It was like don’t say that to her. You know, it was like me, to me, to me, it was the coolest, weirdest thing, most beautiful thing. Because, yeah, you look at it and you’re like holy cow. No wonder these feelings or like my skin was, you know, reacting in the way that it was, because there were like probably 10 or 15. Mean, rude, degrading things that I was letting you know live around in my brain and my body rent free, just kind of dancing around. And when I was really able to write those down and look at them and then I shared them with a really close friend of mine who also does this work too, you know, and I was like look and you know, and those moments where people are like it doesn’t seem like you’re that way, well, it doesn’t matter what, it seems like it matters what’s processing and what’s happening internally, and so people might not be able to see it. Nor do I think we should be like bleeding all over everybody all the time with our stuff, right? So I loved that exercise because it’s like okay, yeah, let’s get really, really real with what’s being said and you know so then we can look at those words. And then I love the idea of rewriting a love letter to yourself, because then you can change a lot of those phrases or negative things you might be saying to yourself and reframe it in a more empowering way.

Juliette Karaman: 

That’s so cool and that’s actually what we do of duplication right, when you duplicate an experience, you actually move all the way through it. That’s part of what I teach my R4 method, the four elements, what I told about this is all part of it. We actually we’re so afraid to feel things that we shove them away. But, like you said, you write them down, then afterwards you read them to a friend, you can burn them, you can do some kind of ceremony, bury them, throw, you know, put them back in water, whatever you want, right. But there are so many different ways of actually moving through it, but the only way out is through.

Lunden Souza: 

Yes, the only way out is through. The only way is through, you know, and really kind of going in. So, okay, if someone’s working on their body image, which we all are kind of working on in some form or another, that continuous expression of love for ourselves, right, I mean, I don’t know how you see it or would say it, but what I’m thinking in my head is like it’s not about getting so perfect that you’re ready to present yourself then in a relationship or have this intimacy, but what I found is getting good at, you know, being consistent with the work ends and a lot of those like, yeah, activities or things we can do, like you mentioned the mirror, whatever that kind of thing and there can be. How was I gonna say, oh, yeah, so there’s a lot of activities and stuff that we can do. Then we go with the version of ourselves that’s working, working on body shame, whatever we go into relationships. And what I found has been most profound that I’ve been doing in this relationship that I haven’t done in previous relationships, because I noticed, okay, pattern, pattern right is being open and being able to communicate where you’re at in your journey or if something’s triggering to you, instead of pretending it’s not triggering. I don’t think that’s a good idea instead of letting the trigger just, you know, bam, bam, bam, bam all over everybody. In fact, this morning my boyfriend and I just had a conversation where I was like, okay, where I’m at with that, I don’t think that I have enough nervous system regulation with that to then be present at that event. But now that I know that you wanna go, I’m gonna work on that, because right now I’m kind of in this spot and we him and I have shared a lot about this. You know the vulnerability of where we’re at or if there’s moments where it’s like, right now I don’t really believe in myself, like I’m struggling here, you know. So I think that’s a very important component which I’m sure you work with your clients on and the couples on is like, how do you describe where you’re at so that you can have intimate, beautiful relationships while you’re still working on yourself?

Juliette Karaman: 

Scrumptious communication. That’s what I call that, but it’s actually-. Yes, that’s right Communication right Everything is a communication with the universe, with God, with whatever you wanna call it, with your partner, with everything. So it’s really starting to be conscious about that. You know, awareness is such. For me it’s really the first step towards self-love. So being conscious enough to go to your partner and saying, hey, I have something. Do you have the minutes? Do you have the bandwidth? Do you actually have the attention for this? Right now I don’t need to be fixed, but I do want to chat to you for five minutes, is that okay? And that also gets them to check in with themselves saying, hey, actually, you know I love I’m not in a place. You know I’ve got a lot on my plate. Can we talk tonight after dinner? It’s like great. Then you get a counter offer right, which then actually has both of you feel like great, instead of me or my clients is going in Just offloading at that moment and, while the other person continues doing their things, isn’t in the mood, can’t really do that. So that’s one of the things do we both have the bandwidth? When can we talk about? Sometimes I say, put a time frame on it because otherwise it can drag on, drag out to say, hey, I need five minutes of your conscious attention, perfect, and then we both know where we’re going to be. And then, especially when it gets to intimacy, sex and bodies, it’s like, hey, you know what I really miss us having more touch Together, and a lot of times people don’t even know what they’re missing until, but they know that something is missing. Our way into pleasure is often very different, so I get people to take that all off the table and to really start focusing on what did you love about your partner? Put down, right down, ten things that you used to love, because you can’t stay in that state of like annoyance because he hasn’t taken out the rubbish last night or you didn’t do this, and this is often what, what we do. You know, we kind of hold an accountability record ledger.

Lunden Souza: 

That’s real, that’s real. And the rubbish will hang out for months, because it’s like the actual rubbish is out but it stays for, it lingers. So I love that you mentioned that. And then also like.

Juliette Karaman: 

The other day I asked my partner is like what I was leaving? I was leaving early and I said, hey, would you mind taking the wash, putting it out the dryer? And then he didn’t said. I came back the next day was still the wash. I just took it out and then afterwards I had a podcast is like will you take it out of the dryer, probably hang it on the door, because it’s a little bit, probably still be too wet. He didn’t hear that because he was just like oh my god, I didn’t do what she asked yesterday. So all he heard was you didn’t do it and I kind of jumped around You’re doing this to hurt me. And then afterwards he also didn’t do that. So I came into the bedroom like, hey, is there a way that I can say things in a way that you can, that they land for you, that you understand them? He’s like what do you mean? I said I asked you to take things out of the dryer and then hang them up so that they don’t get so so wrinkly that they’re still wet. He’s like all I heard is that you said that I didn’t do something. So you also have to be aware of where that other person is because they might not hear what you’re saying, because they’re so in there. They have got chastised, maybe as a small kid or whatever in there, their former, whatever former relationships and all of a sudden they’re thinking that you are actually chastising or you’re you’re telling them off about something. So when you’re in that state of mind, your whole body, your whole nervous system just shuts down, goes into fight, fly through or freeze, and there’s no way that you can get any intimacy in there. So for me what I tell people is two hours, book in two hours a week. If it’s a morning, even better. If it’s lunchtime, perfect evening. You get tired, but you know, just book in two hours that you put away your telephone, you don’t talk about the kids, you don’t talk about work. You spent time rediscovering each other.

Lunden Souza: 

I love that idea of that check in, and I think it has to be highlighted too, because I’ve heard a lot from women who talk about this and then they’ll they’ll do their best, consciously, communicate, reach out and say, hey, did I say this better? And they’re with a partner that sees it as you know, an attack or all these things, and so I love that. You highlighted the way that you and your partner communicated. I love the way that me and my partner communicate and I think it’s important to. I mean, I guess I should also know yeah, not everybody is in heterosexual relationships or like. What I mean to say is, while we’re working on ourselves and presenting that to our partner, our partner also has to be on board to this work. Because I feel like it can be like you’re running up against a wall trying to say things all over the place, and then the partner is like well, it’s because of you and you’re the one who didn’t, you know, you told me this way that I put the dishes the wrong way, or the towels, or whatever. So whoever’s listening to this right now, it’s a partner activity, right, it’s like we have to be in that. So if you notice that you’re, you could level up for your partner to be there for more of those conscious conversations and not make it mean that she’s trying to do X, y or Z or he’s trying to do X, y or Z or whatever. That’s super important because I remember relationships I’ve been in before where I’ve tried to come and say like how can we do this better? And they’re just like whatever by peace out, like can you know, not my person, right but at the same time you might be in a relationship with someone where it’s like yeah, I’m trying a lot of these things and it really is a dance, you know. And to plug in those weekly check-ins is such a game changer and being able to have those conversations. My boyfriend and I we probably do that every day. We have really deep, profound conversations regularly. But what was really cool that I noticed about myself yesterday was we had a conversation that normally when we would get into those things, I’d notice I’d get a little bit more triggered, not because of what he said or anything, it was just that. And so yesterday, after that conversation, I was like you know what I noticed? I was way more calm, like I want to have these conversations. I want my nervous system to be chilling. So we can, you know, but for a while it wasn’t and I was just sitting there kind of feeling like I was going to ready to explode or I’d always have to do something. So we’d be talking and I’d be like folding towels and I’d be like I know, but right now, where I’m at, I don’t know how to sit and stay while we talk. So I want to talk to you but I still need to be doing something. Then that got to where I can just chill and sit on the couch and have that conversation. So those steps really helped and to be able to to, you know, to describe that and say that hey, you know, things are different now. I love that we have these talks and just so you know, like I’m feeling more congruent and then more connected to you. All those things I think that’s important to note too is like I just I want people to feel empowered, that it can be part of this partnership and it doesn’t always need to be, you know, one person working on something or the other, and that’s why I think the coaching that you do and stuff like that’s why I think that’s the best thing about it. I think that’s important to note too is like I just I want people to feel empowered that it can be part of this partnership and it doesn’t always need to be, you know, one person working on something or the other. And that’s why I think the coaching that you do and stuff like that is so powerful, because you can bring couples together to kind of not only see it from their perspective, but to learn to support each other and to learn what they actually hear. Had you not asked your husband, you would have never thought, oh, that’s what he heard, because you’re thinking about the entirety of what you said. But until you check in with the person and you can see, okay, what bit did they pick up, what stuck for them, and then from there try to present it better for them, and that’s super beautiful. I can remember, you know conversations with you know adults in my life when I was younger. You know, instead of having those sit down conversations, it would be passive, aggressive comments. It would be like you never put the you know and like, well, you keep asking him to do it the same way and he never does it. Why are you asking still like, ask somebody else or do it yourself, or find a better way to ask. It was like the same this all the time. So I like the way you painted that picture of that dance. And how do you do that? When couples come to you, you know, because maybe one person’s more working on that, or the other persons maybe, I don’t know. I feel like everyone’s going to be at a different spot in their journey. So how do you get them to be like together, on the same page?

Juliette Karaman: 

So I get them to do date morning two hours a week, and then I will actually give them date one. Yeah, I will give them scrumptious communication tools where they do a dyad, so it’s not so oftentimes we listen and we already form our answer in our head and we just want to quickly get in there and see what we think and we’re just this communication. It’s not. We’re asking a prompt like one of them would be like tell me what you love about me or this is what I love about you, and then the other person says what they love about you, and then you just receive and you say thank you. And it’s not a communication itself like, oh, I love this too about you, but it’s really learning how to be understood, seeing and heard, which is really important. And if you do 20 minutes of really conscious prompts like that, you know oftentimes that is then when you can start the prompts like how do you want to be touched? Tell me what you love, tell me what your desires are for our relationship and really one of the things that is super important. When I heard you speaking about your boyfriend and about other partners, thinking like, how do we do this right? Like you can’t always say it in the same way, that’s insanity. But the one thing that I keep reminding people is like you are on the same team. Now, honestly, you’re on the same team, and this is what I sometimes have to remind my kids and my ex-husband that are really close to my partner. Now I’m like, hey, we’re on the same team, we want the same outcome. So just let’s take a breath. Yeah, let’s just slow down for a moment. And when you’re saying you need to keep busy with your hands, I have two children that are highly dyslexic and I went into autism and taught a lot of kids of autism. So sometimes I have a scrunchie ball there for people or, you know, have things that they can append, that they can play with. Because you see someone with their knee up and down and you’re like, oh, they’re really nervous, they don’t want this. It’s like sometimes that’s actually not what it is, but that’s their nervous system Just trying to get out the last little kinks so that they can listen.

Lunden Souza: 

Yep, yeah, the last little kinks so that they can listen. Yeah, definitely. And, like I said, I felt that I was like I can’t. I told them in one conversation I’m like I can’t, not right now, like I don’t know what it’s like to have these conversations that we do, which I love about our relationship. It’s like my favorite part that we can just go for it, ask the tough, quite whatever. But I was like I can’t, you know, and I could see in his eyes I’m like, I know that you think I’m not listening. So I kept saying I’m listening, I’m listening, I can listen better when I’m doing, and now I’ve gotten to the point where we can have those sit down, you know, whatever conversations. But it took some time and not to say that anyone ever has to get to there. But I just think the dialogue about it is so beautiful because we have that awareness, we can communicate it to our partner. We all have dysfunctions and like weird things, nuances that make us unique, and it’s like to pretend like we don’t have them, I feel like, loses that intimacy in the relationship. But when we can communicate them well and be on the same team, I love that you said that, because then you have more resources.

Juliette Karaman: 

Yeah, and another thing I would say is, instead of saying you always and you never start with an I statement, hey, what? This morning, when you didn’t take out the rubbish on whatever on a Thursday, you didn’t take out the rubbish and I had to run out and get you drag the really heavy rubbish out on the road. It just had me feel like you know, like you don’t really care about our life together, about the household chores, that you had said that you would help with that lands so differently than you never do. You know, you promise to take out the rubbish and every week I have to do it.

Lunden Souza: 

Yes, because then I feel like the person that you’re saying that always or never to in their brain, they’re not going to like solution mode. They’re going to find a moment that they did do it. No, I don’t, I don’t never do that. Remember, on last Christmas I took the trash or whatever. They’re going through their list or their evidence of self, but it’s like who wants to do that? Like you’re in a team, you don’t want to have to roll a dex back and be like, oh no, I did this on.

Juliette Karaman: 

January 1st. They’re like well, fuck it. You know, you did it yourself. Then I was like whoa okay.

Lunden Souza: 

Yeah, and it takes more words to say what you said you know you never take the trash out is different than, hey, you know, last Thursday, after we had all those people over and we had like five you know bags of trash and I had to go take them down after I asked you and go back and forth and I was kind of rushing so I felt X, y or Z, you know how can we better support each other? That’s a lot more words and that’s a lot more words that generally people are not used to using and so it might feel kind of funny coming out of their mouth at first a little foreign. But communication takes practice. It takes so much practice and hopefully you have a partner that like allows that do over where you guys can practice up leveling your communication together.

Juliette Karaman: 

That’s actually a really good point that you said the do over. That that’s been one of my biggest things where I’ve taught my clients as well. It’s like, hey, if it didn’t quite go as well, you know making a little screeching sound, whatever you do to just kind of like like lighten it up. And they’re like, look, let’s pull up the brakes, like, are you happy to do do over? And then you both probably crack up and like, yeah, let’s try that again.

Lunden Souza: 

Yes, because sometimes there’s just a lot of those like little details we keep. It’s like no, no, no, start over, do over whatever that might look like. I feel like that’s helpful to, to have a partner, friends, just anybody in your life that supports that Like that, can see that better version of yourself that you’re really embodying and working to become, and be like, ok, I see you like, try again. That was just a little practice round, like let’s, let’s do it better. And at the same time you know in communication, if we’re not working towards, like, if people can’t see that we’re continuously getting better with the do overs, just like we would see in people I out, when I coach on the do overs, I say to like, hey, people can set boundaries surrounding our do overs and we can do the same for others too. And so there were times a lot in relationships where the guys they set boundaries with me and then it was like, ok, move on to whatever, to the next relationship, and then thinking, ok, I don’t want, I wanted to do better this time. So even though I didn’t get the do-over with that particular partner and things changed whatever, I can see this as an opportunity to have a do-over in a way where it might feel a little bit more solid to this person because they weren’t there for the last 25 do-overs or something like that. And so I think boundaries with do-overs are important and when we’re changing, it’s like sometimes people, oh, they said I’m like, yeah, they might be setting a boundary surrounding you. Maybe the way that you are becoming is it doesn’t resonate with them now and it’s OK. So when we’re in this communication up level, this intimacy up level, some people can and will see their way out. Have you heard of Evolve Telemed before? It’s the super cool opportunity to be able to meet with your doctors without going to the doctor’s office, right from the comfort of your own home. I recently got my full blood panel done CBC with differentials, thyroid panel, hormone panel, all the things and I was able to meet up with one of their doctors directly on a video call. Go over all of my results, have just a really comfortable, great conversation, really understand the process of doing my labs and what it means and giving me more feedback than just like, hey, your labs are normal, all good, just going through everything step by step by step and really giving me clear insights as to what I see in my lab. So it was cool. All I did was get the paper off of the online portal. You’ll have your own patient portal and you get the order and then I went to the lab where you get your blood drawn. I did that. It took like 20 minutes. They sent the results directly to Evolve Telemed and then they uploaded my results directly to my client portal again. I got to go over it on a video call with one of their doctors. It was perfect. I had everything right in front of me. I had somebody who had an immense amount of knowledge and expertise, who was able to give me great feedback, and so it was such a wonderful experience and I just feel like it was so simple and so easy to just look under the hood and double check that everything was all good internally, because I’ve had a history of PCOS, I’ve had a history of cystic acne, I’ve had a history of anxiety and also just like, yeah, in general want to make my future not just my history bright and healthy and just do things in a holistic way, and they’re very supportive of that as well. So if you want to do your labs with Evolve Telemed, you can use code LUNDEN25 L-U-N-D-E-N two five for $25 off your labs and you can get started with that process. Super simply Just go to evolvetelemed. com and that’s E-V-O-L-V-E-T-E-L-E-M-E-D dot com. Evolve Telemed. And then, when you decide what labs you want to get done, what information you’re interested in whether it’s balanced hormones or balanced health you’ll be able to get that personalized expert concierge level service and you can get it for $25 off. So don’t forget to use the code LUNDEN 25 L-U-N-D-E-N two five. And yeah, just doing your checkups staying up to date with your health and well-being ahead of time, and do it with Evolve Telemed. Now let’s get back to the show.

Juliette Karaman: 

Completely. And then there also that sometimes is where you uncouple and where it doesn’t resonate anymore and where you’re not the same energy anymore. And that’s OK too. You will lose people all their lifetime. Some people will come in and some other. As long as you upgrade and that you kind of like this whole ascension path right, this is a path of awareness. You will lose some friends. Some people will be like what are you talking about and they just don’t resonate with it anymore. And that’s fine, and you’ll gain some new people that come into your life.

Lunden Souza: 

Yes, yeah, absolutely. I feel like this journey of my life over the last six years of working on the relationship with myself, with my partner, the words that I choose, communication, all of those different things, I feel like they have just been super profound and have really enabled me to have deeper connections and then make a different tribe of friends that are working towards that too. I do have some friends I’ve been friends with Forever. We have that deep connection. But then I’ve really worked on cultivating relationships with other people who are working on themselves and working on more conscious intimacy within their relationships, Because then when we’re asking for that support and guidance, it’s nice to know that there are people in your corner, that they get it. They’re doing things differently in their life too, so that we can kind of consult with them and just grow with them. I love to meditate, for example. I meditate every day. I love the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza. When I came home, I’m still meditating. My boyfriend meditates. But my friends, my family, they’re not. That’s not their thing, no matter how much I introduce it to them. Send them a quick 10-minute clip. No one’s like whatever. So I’ve really done over the last year, year and a half, just like I want to be around people who love to meditate, who love to create their own reality, who love to be in that generous present moment. And sure enough, I was at an event in Denver in last month and there’s a group of people, whatever, and they’re like, OK, got a group text Meditation 915 on the pool deck. And I was like, yeah, because I was so excited that I could have gotten mad or pissed that people weren’t meditating and that weren’t doing the work that I was doing. But I was like there’s other people out there in the world that are doing that I’m going to choose to up-level. And so it was a cool moment because I was sitting on the roof deck wearing a crop top, getting my tan, like I like getting a meditation in with people just being. It wasn’t like, oh, we have to meditate, Time to go. It was like, oh, hey, Meditation, Sash Upstairs, cool, let’s go. Very much in alignment with my personality, who I am, whatever. And so I think on this journey you probably see this too with your clients it’s like when you choose to show up in a way, it’s really cool to see the people that present themselves in your life too, because that tribe really helps. Don’t you feel like that tribe helps to be in that team with your partner too?

Juliette Karaman: 

Completely, and that’s also part of drama, right? When we do something different than the tribe that we’re born into, there was actually a fear of dying Because we would get expelled. So that has really gotten into our body, right, that has lodged into our body. So it’s like so the fear of doing something outside our tribe, outside our community, is actually massively fearful. So our nervous system just goes whoa. So meditation helps. Other kind of one of my methods helps EFT. There are so many different ways of coming through that, but definitely being in a community of like-minded people who actually see you and can reflect back to you like, hey, I’ve seen you done this, love, that these are things I love. You might want to tweak this and that I’ve seen you and maybe that will help you. And I’m a Dr Joe, a woman as well, and I mix it with my own stuff. Oftentimes I’ll run the process on myself and then I go and do my five o’clock meditation. I’m like, ok, now I’m really on steroids, but my partner doesn’t like it, and then one of my daughters does like it and then the other three don’t. So it’s like it’s cool, everyone does their own thing, but it’s really heightened that awareness and knowing that we actually always have the ability to tap into it. It’s always available to us, it takes no time, you don’t need an hour to sit down. I mean, yes, you can. You don’t even need to sit down for meditation. It’s just really become aware of mindfulness is already a massive step in the right direction.

Lunden Souza: 

Mindfulness is a massive step in the right direction. I’m going to quote you. I love that. I feel like I’ve learned so much today and I kind of want to recap some of the takeaways that you shared, because I think they’re so profound. And for those listening, I love being able to at least. Yeah, when I’m listening to podcasts or watching YouTube videos or educating, I like to know, hey, there’s something I can do different today that I wasn’t doing before. I listened to this, and so one of the things you mentioned was the mirror being in front of the mirror and just letting it rip, whether you’re in your bra and tonies or whatever, or you decide to go completely naked, just kind of let it rip on all the things that you are thinking and saying on the inside. Let’s get that out. And then I love the idea of writing that love letter to ourselves. I think you mentioned burning it or putting it in the ocean or something like that, afterwards like flooding it, kind of see its way out, if you will. I love that. The two hour date mornings that’s beautiful. I think that’ll change a lot of relationships. To take that time, to carve out that time and, like you said, no cell phone, no TV, no distractions, no, like you did this, it’s just like how can we collectively be part of that team? Let’s have that team huddle to see how we can support each other even more. And then the universal quantifiers you mentioned, like always, never, and getting really clear with people that we want to communicate with and have that more intimate. What do you say scrumptious communication with? To use more scrumptious words, to use more descriptions that create truth, because always and never most likely are not truths. I feel like I learned so much. This is so wonderful, Juliette.

Juliette Karaman: 

Right. Create new memories.

Lunden Souza: 

Yeah.

Juliette Karaman: 

Create new partner with your kids, like go do things Instead of buying more things. Go and do an excursion, yeah. Find out what they loved when they were kids. And it’s like oh, why don’t we now of a sudden do that together? Why don’t we go skateboarding or God knows whatever it was?

Lunden Souza: 

Yeah, be more playful. It was funny yesterday, me and my boyfriend. He brought up bowling for some reason or something and I was like we should go bowling, you want to go bowling? And he’s like, all right, not that any of us are avid bowlers or whatever, but I’m like that’s kind of fun, let’s just try it, just to do something fun. And we’ll probably laugh and be jokingly competitive with each other and I feel like, oh, that’s, it’s playful. We don’t have to do all these like I don’t know, boxed in like adulting things. It’s like we can still play and have fun and go on adventures and experiences. I love that Super lovely.

Juliette Karaman: 

You go to the same restaurant that you always go to Do, mix it up, you know, have a picnic in the park or whatever. You know. If you’re the one that’s always providing this stuff, have your husband look at it. Maybe you want to learn how to I don’t know how to sail. Maybe you want to take a class in Sibari, Learn how to rope tie someone, I don’t know. Whatever, it is for you, right and just you’re so lucky.

Lunden Souza: 

Yeah, you’re looking at memories, I remember a conversation I had with a guy friend of mine one time and he asked me he goes, he wanted to his partner just to be more active and like work out and just like get more healthy, you know, and just was like trying to push that direction. He’s like, is it okay if I Say that every Tuesday we’re gonna get together to do yoga? And I was like, well, I think what might be better and, you know, give your input to a few, will Juliette? But I was like I think what might be better is you create a Tuesday hangout for you guys and sometimes you get to pick stuff, and sometimes she gets to pick stuff and sometimes you can pick yoga, but sometimes you should probably also not pick yoga so that she’s not trying to, like you know, get all these hints that you’re every time you choose it’s an exercise, right, so maybe that’s you know something that could. He’s like, okay, cool, so like she could pick one Tuesday, then I’ll pick the next one. And then you know, and it turned out to be exactly what you said a fun, adventurous, experience time for them. When he and his head was like I need to help, you know, my girlfriend get fit and I need her to be. You Know, and I’m like, I think that you just you know Create this pocket of time for growth and love and intimacy and then see what happens and it ended up being such a more, you know, beautiful experience for them and that way they also alternate right, so one person can take charge, because we don’t always Want to be the one that plans everything, or we don’t want to always be the one that follows along.

Juliette Karaman: 

Either it’s like no, I’d really like to do this and and then, if you know it’s going to, next time it’s gonna be your turn. Even if you don’t like something, you’re like okay, it’s fine, it’s a new experience. Like, like my partner wants to take me to A rugby match. Well, yeah, I’m like my kids used to play rugby. I’m like, okay, this is not my idea. Fun, but you know, we actually had a massive amount of fun.

Lunden Souza: 

It was like something and enjoying what the partner enjoyed.

Juliette Karaman: 

Yeah, it’s like yeah cool.

Lunden Souza: 

Yeah, it’s cool to. And then, yeah, when you’re with your partner in something that they like to do, I think it’s nice to see that in them. You’re like, oh, they’re having so much fun. Like I’m having fun because I’m with them while they’re having so much fun and enjoyment me by myself doing this activity. Nah, that doesn’t really sound fun. But because that’s something that they’re into, I want to learn even more about that as well, and I think that can be a great connection. Like you said. Oh well, my kids played it, not going to their game, but you know, this could be a cool experience for us. And letting each other choose, yeah, cuz sometimes I’m like I don’t know what. You know, I made a lot of decisions today. Let someone else know that Decisions today, let someone else make that decision, and so that kind of a roll switch of who decides, who plans, and then the other person being on board, right, like whatever you want, okay cool, you want to go to rugby, okay cool. Next time I choose something that maybe you’re kind of if beyond cool. And I think, the more that we do those new experiences and we can see, oh, that was fun, that was cool, you know the way we do one thing can transcend into other areas, and so we might be more likely to, you know, try for some, try something new at work, or ask for something new somewhere else, and it’s nice to to use those moments to do better in other areas of your life. So good, Juliette, I feel like you and I could talk about this topic forever and I love the work you’re doing in the world. I love that you use the word scrumptious. I haven’t heard that word in a while and I love words, so I feel like that’s gonna linger with me, and I know that there are so many ways that individuals and couples and stuff can work with you to work on, yeah, becoming more confident and just exuding more of that into the world and turning their trauma into something great. So how can people connect with you?

Juliette Karaman: 

and, yeah, let us know easy as this, probably through my website, which is called feel you dot com, and I have a whole bunch of free things there. And also, what I do is my first. I have this, this evergreen course called scrumptious dates. It’s a whole scrumptious program. I have a whole bunch of scrumptious different things scrumptious communication, scrumptious dates, scrumptious yeah, all kinds of things. But the first week of scrumptious dates is for free, so you can actually just try it for a week saying, hey, these are the things you know, the Communication tool. You get there, you get, how do you set up that first date? Yeah, how do you do this? So, feel fully. You look at all the free resources Juliette Karaman. Double t-e, so French spelling, Juliette and then Karaman. K-A-R-A man on Facebook, on Instagram and LinkedIn.

Lunden Souza: 

Wonderful, and I’ll include all those links in the description so that you guys can easily connect to all the scrumptious resources that Juliette has. I Appreciate you and your time and what you’re doing in the world and we’ll see you guys and hear you guys next time. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of self-love and sweat the podcast. Hey, do me a favor wherever you’re listening to this podcast, give us a review. This really helps a lot and share this with a friend. I’m only one person and with your help, we can really spread the message of self-love and sweat and change more lives all around the world. I’m Lunden Souza, reminding you that you deserve a life full of passion, presence and purpose, fueled by self-love and sweat. This podcast is a hit spot. Austria production.